aussie humor

The questions below about Australia are from potential
visitors. They were posted on an Australian Tourism
Website and the answers are the actual responses by
the website officials, who obviously have a sense of
humor.

* PS: Kings Cross is the red-light district of Sydney
 __________________________________________________
 Q: Does it ever get windy in Australia? I have never
 seen it rain on TV, how do the plants grow? (UK).

 A: We import all plants fully grown and then just
 sit around watching them die.
 __________________________________________________
 Q: Will I be able to see kangaroos in the street?
 (USA)

 A: Depends how much you've been drinking.
 __________________________________________________
 Q: I want to walk from Perth to Sydney - can I follow
 the railroad tracks (Sweden)?

 A: Sure, it's only three thousand miles, take lots
 of water.
 __________________________________________________
 Q: Are there any ATMs (cash machines) in Australia?
 Can you send me a list of them in Brisbane, Cairns,
 Townsville and Hervey Bay? (UK)

 A: What did your last slave die of?
 __________________________________________________
 Q: Can you give me some information about hippo racing
 in Australia? (USA)

 A: A-fri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south
 of Europe. Aus-tra-lia is that big island in the
 middle of the Pacific which does not ... oh forget it.
 Sure, the hippo racing is every Tuesday night in Kings
 Cross*. Come naked.
 __________________________________________________
 Q: Which direction is North in Australia? (USA)

 A: Face south and then turn 180 degrees. Contact us
 when you get here and we'll send the rest of the
 directions.
 __________________________________________________
 Q: Can I bring cutlery into Australia? (UK)

 A: Why? Just use your fingers like we do.
 __________________________________________________
 Q: Can you send me the Vienna Boys' Choir schedule?
 (USA)

 A: Aus-tri-a is that quaint little country bordering
 Ger-man-y, which is ... oh forget it. Sure, the Vienna
 Boys Choir plays every Tuesday night in Kings Cross*,
 straight after the hippo races. Come naked.
 __________________________________________________
 Q: Can I wear high heels in Australia? ( UK)

 A: You are a male British politician, right?
 __________________________________________________
 Q: Are there supermarkets in Sydney and is milk
 available all year round? (Germany)

 A: No, we are a peaceful civilization of vegan
 hunter/gatherers. Milk is illegal.
 __________________________________________________
 Q: Please send a list of all doctors in Australia who
 can dispense rattlesnake serum. (USA)

 A: Rattlesnakes live in A-meri-ca which is where YOU
 come from. All Australian snakes are perfectly
 harmless, can be safely handled and make good pets.
 __________________________________________________
 Q: I have a question about a famous animal in
 Australia, but I forget its name. It's a kind of bear
 and lives in trees. (USA)

 A: It's called a Drop Bear. They are so called because
 they drop out of Gum trees and eat the brains of
 anyone walking underneath them. You can scare them off
 by spraying yourself with human urine before you go
 out walking.
 __________________________________________________
 Q: I have developed a new product that is the fountain
 of youth. Can you tell me where I can sell it in
 Australia? (USA)

 A: Anywhere significant numbers of Americans gather.
 __________________________________________________
 Q: Can you tell me the regions in Tasmania where the
 female population is smaller than the male population?
 (Italy)

 A: Yes, gay night clubs.
 __________________________________________________
 Q: Do you celebrate Christmas in Australia? (France)

 A: Only at Christmas.
 __________________________________________________
 Q: I was in Australia in 1969 on R+R, and I want to
 contact the girl I dated while I was staying in Kings
 Cross*. Can you help? (USA)

 A: Yes, and you will still have to pay her by the
 hour.
 __________________________________________________
 Q: Will I be able to speak English most places I go?
 (USA)

 A: Yes, but you'll have to learn it first.
 __________________________________________________
 * PS - Kings Cross is the red-light district in Sydney